April 14, 2020
You’ve heard the brand name before. Kirkland. For the many whose heads will whip at the mere sound of this word, you know it as Costco’s ‘house brand’ and you lovvvve it. It’s only the most epic generic brand on the planet! Never heard of Costco? Refuse to shop at Costco because you shop at Sam’s Club? Don’t care about generic brands because you stick with name brands? Just you wait a minute while I tell you my story.
Almost everything Costco carries is available in a generic version branded under the Kirkland name. From batteries & vitamins; to clothes & toiletries; to food & trash bags — it exists. Years ago, I stumbled upon their toilet paper that sells for $16.99. A 35-pack of giant rolls (both wider squares and more squares per roll) that gave me heart eyes. The birds chirped, harmonious chords played, and the angels sang. This sh** was good! Better than any other TP on the market, as a matter of fact. Sorry, Charmin Bear – Kirkland had you beat. Sorry Angel Soft, Cottonelle, Quilted Northern – you all instantly became like Scott brand because you were butt hurt-ers! And, I must mention that this septic-safe TP made it down my pipes like a charm. Every other brand? Instant plug ups and overflows regardless of whether it was deemed septic-safe or not. Guhrossss! So ok, this toilet paper business was on point.
How about them wipes? Ohhhhhh snap! The wippppeeessss. Those bad boys clean everything AND the baby’s butt! Sharpie on pleather (thanks for that one, baby Lily)–Kirkland wipes can handle it. Sticky disgusting spills? Yup, these wipes had ya covered! Dirty mouths? Mmmhmm. Great thing about it? There are 1 trillion sheets per pack and 500 million packs per case. They aren’t full of alcohol and don’t dry your skin like other wipes. Hallelujah.
My newest Kirkland discovery, however, came just the other day. I was in a desperate COVID-19 type hurry. The kids’ great grandma needed some milk so I suited up to play a human game of PAC-Man. Going through Costco on a normal day is like a rat race but going through at a time like this is like a dang video game! See the prize — b-line toward the prize — avoid the ghosts at all costs and immediately move on after scoring your loot. FOR REAL. I’ve never played such a stealth game of ‘grab and ditch’ in my entire life! If I was going to risk being inside a store, however, I may as well grab more than just milk. One would be foolish to wander into a treasure trove like Costco and by one thing, especially now days. So, write a list I did:
- Nonfat milk
- Lactose free milk
- Bread
- TOILET PAPER
- Water
- Eggs
- Redi Whip
- Broccoli cheese soup
- Orange chicken
- Avocados
- Cantaloupe
- Artichokes
- Strawberries & Raspberries.
Are you trying to figure out why I needed this weird conglomeration of goods? Stop being so nosey, will ya? It makes sense, it makes sense.
I made sure to bring my mask, eye protection (oh yeah, you read that right), disinfecting wipes, membership card and off I went.
I arrive at Costco and notice that they have their social distancing game ON POINT. You fall into the single file line at the exterior of the building that are wooden pallets stacked beside lines of nested carts. You stand ON a yellow line made of tape (not in front or behind it — ON it or you’ll be reminded by staffers), and you politely wait your turn to enter. An employee is at the head of the line signaling your moment of authorization to step beyond the yellow-taped-road. Carts are now accessible upon entry, not prior to it, so that staff can wipe down/sanitize them before you put your own grubby paws on the handle.
I did my shopping just as planned. Most people kindly kept their distance, which was nice! I scored the milk! Whoo!! And way way wayyyy in the back corner, I saw pallets of an item I had not seen in over a month. TOILET PAPER! Or, as Costco snobishly labels it, “Bath Tissue.” I couldn’t believe my eyes. It wasn’t long ago that we reached an interesting predicament in my household. One roll of unused Kirkland Bath Tissue on hand with zero reserves of any brand remaining. No warehouse for 20 miles had supply and the regional distribution center was sold out for online orders. Have you ever had that moment where you pondered nature and what it would be like to use tree leaves for your bum? Yeah, that’s where I found myself at one point. Luckily some family members came to the rescue but hooray for tp today! I was excited!
I chipped away at my list and then remembered something that wasn’t on it. Hot dogs and buns. At home, we had talked about grabbing hot dogs to toss in the freezer. Farmer John, Bar S, Kirkland and a bunch of bratwursts. Hmm. What to choose? We usually eat Ball Park but that’s not an option at Costco anymore. Farmer John is ok but I don’t remember loving them and Bar S is salty. Darn. To myself, I thought, “I guess I’ll go with Kirkland. Can’t be that bad.”
It was then that the light bulb illuminated in the brightest lumen I’d ever seen inside my head. Kirkland hot dogs? Are these THE Costco hot dogs? As in FROM THE FOOD COURT? Holy friggn sh** storms. Could it be?! Where have I been all these years? Living under a rock? Whoa. Oh Mah Gahd. I grabbed them. 36 pack for $18 and some change. Not bad considering that an 8-pack of Ball Park, from the grocery store, is $4.99.
I tried one of the dogs last night and guys – holy moly macarole! It’s the real deal. The dream hot dog that I excitedly stand in line for at the food court is now in my refrigerator! Mind you, they’re bun-sized instead of stadium-sized but with all that is topsy turvy in the world right now, I’m totally ok with a compressed pile of encased meat making my day. I mean, yeah, I totally am losing my mind over HOT DOGGGGSSSSSS from KIRKLANNNNNDDDD. Ladies and gentlemen, I feel like I have just won the lotto. I love food. I love Kirland. I love Costco ::giggling::.
I could go on & on with reviews of their house-brand items but you don’t need that. At this point, you’re sitting there contemplating if you need TP, wipes or hot dogs and that’s funny enough for one day! The next time you go, buy the hot dogs. You know you want to try them. 😀
See you next time!
